I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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