My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club š
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He was all āplease donāt bail because Iām missing work for thisā last night
Honey no, I need dick. Iām not going to bail
Randomize
