I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
