my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
