i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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