Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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