White coat. Heels.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
