i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
