Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
