If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
