woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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