I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
