I can text with my tongue
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
