Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
