I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
