Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
