Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
