Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
