Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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