They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
