Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
