We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
we're so committed to being not committed
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
