Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
