You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
