No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
