dude i'm inner monologue high
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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