Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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