You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
