its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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