Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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