Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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