I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
