i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
