1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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