I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Dick very happy bro
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
