Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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