my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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