U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
my nose is crying tears of wow.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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