Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
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