Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
