I must be too annoying 4 u.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
