Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
