This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
