1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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