He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
