I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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