my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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