I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
