Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
