I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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