I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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