The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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