The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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