glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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