There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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