Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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