What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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